maybe I’ve been out of the game too long, but leaving something alive is a really nice touch.
the perfect example of not knowing how you got the result cos I’m pretty sure I said muy amable to Siri
all i saw my friends doing after they got back from their glorious trips was going through those precious trophy photos time and again as if desperately trying to hold onto the last trace of proof those days were existent. and they talked quite a lot about it as well, implying that was the peak of their lives, like what prom was to the popular kids in high school.
but i don’t have the luxury of doing so as i lack the most fundamental memorabilia- photos. with the few images that i do have, i choose not to see. maybe because they do bring me more pain than pleasure. but the conclusion that i have come to settle with is that i believe those memories will change with how you continue to grow mentally as a person and experience life. by keeping those memories internal,they give me different insights on the different phases i am about to or will go through in life, as a small part of me.
i did a lot of in-depth talks with lai tonight, the first time in over a year. and even though i went deeper today than i ever did with anyone over the course of this year, i still felt that i couldn’t fully express what it was that hit me that day. all i could manage was i compromised too much of who i really was at that time to fit in that by the time i looked up i couldn’t see myself in the mirror. and it scared the shit out of me. especially when everyone around me already had this impression of who i was as a person, i just didn’t have the guts to break it. because i couldn’t handle what they would do if they saw who i really was. so i did what most would do and bailed, hardout.
then comes the constant replay of that three months in my mind, so frequent to the extent of almost haunting. there was no reasonable explanation as to why my subconscious was behaving this way so i came up with the conclusion that i couldn’t change what happened despite how much i longed for it. and that is my first lesson in regrets. the most painful feeling i’ve encountered.
I used to think commuting a burden and a waste of time, until today. when I saw all the very fashion-alert people owning their respective styles from head to foot moving and breathing around me like I was experiencing a live street snap visual. this was rare like an eclipse cos it’s hard to find such variance in style in such a short amount of time and at the same place. and the styling doesn’t just stop with the increases of age, I’ve witnessed a middle aged man with a fit physic and a healthy tan easily owning the casual nautical look. and the other time three seniors dressed in black suits and fedoras lining the seats of a bus, gallantly reliving their glory days. it’s the little random things that brings a little sumthin sumthin to a otherwise normal day at the office.
they’re the bunch that you’d seldom likely to bump into had you led a normal nine-to-five life. the ones that brings spark to your life.
I don’t even know why I’m writing this. maybe halfheartedly believing that this will convince me I still have love for my job. but a slim chance at that.
I hate this job. I’m only three months in and I’m starting to neglect my health, my workout, my family, my friends, my interests, my youth and the list goes on. I know it’s a better than average pay but why should I give up that big a part of me to earn that minimal margin. the way I see it now is that it’s so not worth it. I’m not getting enough sleep, only becoming more emotionally paralyzed by the day, because whenever does emotion go with ration.
I hate that I’m becoming so robotic, only getting emotional when someone does something inefficient that as a result wastes my time. I hate that I have to measure everything with efficiency. it’s so inhumane. so not understanding. so not me. but in order for me to save time, I yell at my friends and my family for them to keep up with my pace. then I hate myself afterwards for being so rude and inconsiderate.
but I think more than anything, I hate that I don’t have a life anymore. it’s a lot to ask of me when all I get in return is sore eyes, a stiff neck and a fat ass. I’m out.
i’ve been over a lot of subjects these past two days with my mom, mostly discussing my thoughts and views on my job three months in.
and what i’ve come to realize is that somewhere along the way, i compromised, conformed and became one of them, despite how i despised their way of life just one month ago. i guess it just goes to show how easily we’re sold when given the right incentives. i.e., the false prestige that the profession and the brand holds over the society. but what really sealed the deal was that the job actually gave me pride and i felt proud to be a part of this firm. and the fact that i was gliding ever more smoothly in my daily day-to-day jobs was the cherry on top of the already scrumptious cake. for example, nothing feels better than being noticed and praised for the extra effort you put into your work. all i’m saying is that it never hurt nobody when you go the extra mile to make your work shine. just give extra attention to detail and put yourself in the clients’ shoes and it’ll come to you like moth to a flame.